Intermezzo

This being almost the middle of March, it is almost the midway point of my six month adventure in Evergreen. Tonight it's snowing for which I am incredibly grateful. It snowed two days ago and then by this morning, the sun and temperatures that edge up daily, had melted most of it. When it began snowing again late this afternoon I stood outside and watched it and wondered if one of these days I would be watching the last snow of this winter. This being Colorado, perhaps that's a bit dramatic as I've been told that they've even had flurries in June. Still, these days of snow fill me with gratitude.


Time seems to be moving more quickly now. I looked up and saw that I hadn't posted here in over a week. And when I tried to recall what I'd done in the past week, I realized that I would actually have to consult my daily diary to recall where the days had gone. 


I hosted a dinner party for my book club. I completed a freelance writing assignment, my first. I've started about four different books and finished one. I've cooked and cleaned and done laundry. And yet, a part of me feels as if these days have passed by in a fog, so quickly that I haven't noticed their passing. 


As I take stock of this midway point in my sojourn, my arrival seems so long ago, which is ironic given my juxtaposed feelings that time is also flying. But it does and in some ways I feel like a different person than I was when I arrived here in December, that I have changed. I'm writing more and trying new things. When I speak to friends on the phone they tell me I sound happier.


On the other hand, the rapid progress of days brings the old constant fear of what will I do at the end of May?  I don't know. The fear of the unknown keeps me up at night. And then I remind myself that I've faced the unknown before and somehow, things always come together at the right time. 

Interview Time

One of the best things about blogging are the amazing people I get to meet. Although I may never meet these people in person, they have quickly become friends who are sharing the journey, who become cheerleaders, and sources of wisdom. 


Recently I have become a fan of Erika Liodice, who is the author of Beyond the Gray, a blog that is one part 'follow your dream' inspiration for everyone and one part one writer's personal journey toward publication.


Every month Erika interviews one of her readers by sending them five questions in which they are asked to describe a dream they are pursuing. This month was my turn. So if you click on the link above, you'll go directly to her blog and be able to read my responses to the five questions about my current journey.


But before you leave.....I decided to turn the tables on Erika and asked her to provide answers to the same five questions as a way of introducing her to all of you. And she kindly agreed. 


Please take a moment to read her answers below and then head over to her blog. While you're there, take a look around. It's one of the most inspirational blogs I've read, and a real bright spot to the day.


All the best,


Suzanne




Q: Tell us about yourself and your dream.EL: My name is Erika Liodice and since graduating from Lehigh University almost seven years ago, I’ve been on a quest for the perfect job. I’ve sold everything from vaccines to virtual worlds and I currently work at an advertising agency in Bethlehem, PA, where I manage a handful of B-to-B accounts. What have I learned on my journey? That there’s no such thing as the perfect job. Luckily, I’ve landed in a place where I’m surrounded by creative people, working on projects I enjoy for great clients. Plus, my schedule allows me to pursue the things I love in my free time, particularly writing.

My dream is to be a best-selling novelist. Like many writers, I wrote my first book when I was about five years old. I don’t recall the title, but it was about a little girl with 18 brothers and sisters who all had to share one bathroom. (Talk about conflict!) It was illustrated and everything. When I showed it to my grandmother she said, “I think you’re going to be a writer one day.” And her words have echoed in my heart ever since.

Q: Describe a “gray” time in your life.EL: I suppose I first stepped into “the gray” in college. Initially, my heart was set on art school. I wanted to paint, draw, design, photograph and write. My soul was bubbling over with creativity and I couldn’t wait to translate my passions into a formal education. But soon the critics started voicing their opinions. Art school? How are you going to make a living off of that? And so on. I became acutely aware that the world is designed for business people, not creative soul-types. And so I headed off to business school where I grappled with finance, economics, statistics, and other left-brain courses, squeezing in art classes whenever I could. 

The next big question in my life was: what should I do after I graduate from college? The summer before my senior year, my family took a vacation to Australia. As we explored Sydney and hiked the Blue Mountains, I wrestled with this question. I was bound for graduation in nine months and I was engaged to be married just three months after that. Everything was falling into place and the future seemed promising. My only dilemma was that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Correction: I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too afraid to listen to that insistent little voice inside of me. My heart begged me to follow my creative inclinations but without so much as a Fine Arts minor, that seemed less and less realistic. On the other hand, the pharmaceutical industry seemed a good match for my business degree and had all the makings of a “real” job: a salary, health benefits and a healthy 401k match.

I puzzled over it the entire time we were in Australia: follow the money or follow my heart? My dad made a compelling case for the pharmaceutical industry, but when we arrived in the Outback we met a fellow traveler named Andra. Irony of ironies, Andra was an artist. Naturally, she defended the case for following my heart. In the last few days of our trip, I found myself in a little bookstore staring at a book entitled, “The Book of Answers.” It was like the magic eight ball of books – it had to be 700 pages or more and it was filled with all kinds of zany answers to whatever question you wanted to ask. Ok, I thought. Why not? And so I placed my right hand on it’s cover and asked the question that had been simmering in my mind the entire trip: should I follow my heart and pursue a creative path? I took a deep breath, opened to a random page and the only world that was staring back at me was…YES.

I would love to tell you that I came home from Australia, followed my heart and have lived happily ever after. But I didn’t. I came home, finished school, got married, and accepted an offer into a management development program at a big pharmaceutical company. I followed the money. And, as a result, it didn’t take long for ”the gray” to envelop me completely. I floated in the gray for three years and then I switched jobs to a start-up technology company. I told myself it was a better fit but it wasn’t. I floated there for two years but during that time, something good happened. I started channeling all of my disappointment and regret into creative projects, one of which was a novel. I changed jobs again about a year and a half ago and now work for an advertising agency, where I’m surrounded by other creative people and I’m able to continue my developing my business career while also focusing on my dream to be a writer.

Q: How are you working towards your dream?EL: Slowly but surely, I’ve been working towards my writing dream in my “free time.” I squeeze in 5 a.m. writing sessions before work and have been known to write for 10-12 hours straight on a Saturday. I recently finished my second novel and am now in the editing phase with the goal of seeking representation this spring. I’ve also had a handful of travel articles published by The Savvy Explorer and Lehigh Valley InSite, and am busily working on proposals for other article ideas. Last but not least, I run a blog, Beyond the Gray, which is a motivational resource for anyone who is chasing a dream.

Q: What fears and challenges have stood between you and your dreams? How are you working to overcome them?
EL: Pursuing my writing dreams while working full-time has been incredibly challenging. It’s not easy to get up at 5 a.m., write for two hours and then put in a full day’s work. Often times it’s a sacrifice, forgoing a lovely Saturday spent outdoors with my husband in order to write. 

Another big challenge I’ve faced is the “chicken before the egg” paradox of the literary world…agents and publishers want to work with writers who have been published, so how does a new, unpublished writer break in? My approach has been to get articles published whenever possible in order to build the credibility that agents and publishers are looking for. Given the fact that I have very limited time to write, I would much rather focus on writing novels, but I realize how important the articles are too.

As far as fears are concerned, my biggest fear is that nagging question that rattles around in the back of my brain from time to time: what if I’m not good enough? That’s a tough one to talk yourself out of. That’s why it’s critical to have loving, supportive and honest people around you to give you a self-confidence boost when needed, but to also help you manage your own expectations.

Q: What inspires you to keep pushing forward when the going gets tough?EL: The most inspirational thing for me is talking to other people who are chasing a dream, whatever their dreams happen to be. That’s why I started Beyond the Gray. I'm hoping other dream chasers will join the conversation and share their experiences so we can support each other, learn from each other, and grow together.

Q: If you could give one piece of advice to someone else who is struggling to move beyond the gray and follow a dream, what would it be?
EL: Don’t float along in the gray for too long. If you’ve got a dream burning in your heart, take action today. Begin by mapping out a path for how to acheive your dream and take the first step. Do at least one thing, whether big or small, to work toward your dream every day. As Confucius said, “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” 
 

It's Snowing in Evergreen and there's Elk in My Yard

Last weekend it snowed off and on for the entire weekend. The result was this beautiful, but fleeting display. By Tuesday, when the sun had come out the snow was still on the ground but the strong Colorado sun was quickly revealing the brown patches of pasture beneath. Luckily for me, it started snowing again this afternoon. A light dusting, perhaps no more than an inch or two, but I'll take it. I'm still holding out hopes for a real substantial snowfall like they've had on the East Coast.

On Monday as we set the table for lunch, we looked out the kitchen window where normally we'd see Chickadees and Stellar Jays feeding from the birdfeeder. Instead we were greeted by eight elk who apparently have developed a taste for the sunflower seeds that get knocked out of the feeder and onto the ground. They were having quite a party and we're so thrilled with the easy meal that when I stepped in front of the window, they looked at me as if I was the curiosity.

As you can see below, one clever elk decided to go straight to the source. And quickly cleaned out the entire cache of sunflower seeds that I'd just replaced that morning.

And then there's Coco. She's got a special place in her heart for the birdfeeder as well...she's convinced that one of these days her incessant barking will persuade those birds to come down and play. Although I don't trust her intentions, they may be closer to those of the Big Bad Wolf toward Little Red Riding Hood.

How lovely it is to be in the snow. I wouldn't mind if it lasted all summer long!

25 February 2010

Excellent day. Went for a walk first thing this morning with Coco. Met one of my neighbors at the end of the road and actually engaged in conversation, not bad for not yet having coffee. It was sunny, though there were enough clouds to remind me that we were due to have snow this afternoon. The dirt road was snow covered but thankfully not slick. Coco seemed to enjoy the walk as much as I did as she ran along the side of the road sniffing what I'm sure were the scents of not other dogs, but other animals that make their home in the woods that separate each home in this area.

I spent most of the day applying for corporate jobs and freelance writing jobs. FIve of each. The best part was that these were jobs that I would enjoy, both on the corporate side and the freelancing. I even went through the Ladders website to send out my resume to 20 of their recruiters. Today I finally managed to do what I've imagined, to dig deeper in the job hunt and pursue more meaningful contacts.


This evening I went to work on my novel and wrote another two pages. I'd love to reach 60,000 words by the end of the month or the end of next week. Tomorrw, I'm going to switch it up and write in the morning.
Still to do: Push ups, sit ups, make progress in my book club selection.

24 February 2010

Took Mom to the airport this morning. Spoke with her this evening, she's safely back home in Fort Lauderdale and already missing me and the beauty of Evergreen. The house is a lot quieter without her here, but I hope she will enjoy the next six weeks with her friends. Then she'll fly back here and then off to Hawaii for a month to celebrate her friend's 90th birthday. Not bad for 84!



Can I match that energy? Let's see how much I can get done in the next six weeks. Today, two pages written in my novel. Twenty five sit ups. Ten push ups.

22 February 2010

After a rather depressing blog post, today was a better day. I got up and got to work at my computer first thing. I started with pursuing jobs at elance.com, I applied for seven new assignments. I believe now that bidding on jobs, composing proposals for the work, is a learning process, so rather than get discouraged if I get rejected, I will now consider that I am simply learning what to do better next time and one step closer to acceptance.
Second, I am staying with my commitment to the writing schedule I made for myself at the beginning of the year and have written a minimum of one page in my novel today. It's taking longer to write one page than it did to write two yesterday simply because I'm moving into new territory, unplotted, and the place in the novel for more suspense, something has to happen that will propel the action for the next few chapters, but I'm not sure what yet.

Completion

This year, so far, has been one of begininngs. I moved to Evergreen, Colorado, I've undertaken a job hunt, I started writing again, working on a novel that I'd abandoned a year ago halfway through, and I've established a freelance writing business and am now looking for assignments. And while I am enjoying each of these endeavors, and trying to enjoy the 'journey', my heart longs for completion, for successfully obtaining a job, for a sense of attaining a goal.

When you are going through the daily, seemingly neverending hamster wheel of applying to and never hearing back from prospective employers, one aspect of the frustration is a sense of never having a feeling of accomplishment. In fact, I think this is the most difficult aspect of the process, the open-endedness of longing and wondering if and when I will achieve my purpose in being here.

For this reason I've discovered that there is an important need to devise tasks where I can have a sense of completion, of getting the job done, even while I'm waiting for a larger job to get done. That is where the usefulness of smaller milestones comes in handy. For instance, I have weekly page count goals with my novel that I strive to achieve. They are purposefully modest, a page a day or five pages a week. If I hit the minimum great, if I can do more than that, better still. I set the same type of goals with my daily applications to jobs and freelance assignments. The best part of the day is after I've accomplished those daily goals. The worst part is late at night when I start to worry that despite my efforts I feel that I haven't accomplished anything real.

What I'm struggling with right now is believing that past or current rejections will not last forever, that ultimately I will be successful, that I will find a job, that I will find a writing assignment, that I will ever see a novel published, that I will ever own my own home in the mountains.

Every night before I go to bed I read a page or two in a variety of inspirational books such as the classic THE GAME OF LIFE by Florence Scovel Shinn, or THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE, by Carol Adrienne. Lately I've been reading Joel Osteen's latest,  IT'S YOUR TIME. Last night I read, "God never aborts a dream. We may give up on it. We may delay it. But the seed God put in you never dies. All it takes is for you to believe once again." My greatest challenge right now is believing once again. And without some sense of accomplishment, I'm not sure how to believe in the absence of its evidence. Yes, I know, that is the very definition of faith...but how does one keep on believing in the absence of positive feedback? That's the crux of it for me.