The Silver Cord - Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Max and I were having a picnic in a meadow. The wicker basket was emptied of it contents. So peaceful, only the song of birds overshadowed the sound of the breeze in the branches above our head. Max had worn his tan linen suit, he’d taken off his jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. I wore a cotton dress with a full skirt; a white background with a pattern of bright red cherries that matched the red buttons that ran up the front of the dress. My hair pulled back from my face, the way Max liked it, and tied with a scarf. I’d taken off my shoes and stockings so I could enjoy the feel of the grass and the warm sun against my skin.

Max raised a glass of champagne and toasted our anniversary. “You are more beautiful now,” he said.

“I am so tired.”

“Still beautiful.”

“Not anymore.”

He took a sliver of cheese and held it up to my lips. I took it into my mouth and held it until it melted against my tongue and I swallowed its buttery acid tang. His fingers rested against my cheek and then traced a line down my neck, following the lines to my collarbone and down over my breast.

“I’m sorry that we never had children,” he said. “You are a wonderful mother.”

“Mila is an ideal child,” I said leaning my head against his chest. “I wish she were ours.”

“She is yours isn’t she?”

“I am her caretaker, but her heart still belongs to Ilona.”

“But she loves you,” he said.

“Of course, but not the way she loves her mother. Strange, we always long for the one who doesn’t love us. Like Anna and Deszo.”

“Or are incapable of loving us, like Deszo and you.”

I picked up one of the figs I’d cut and lifted it to his lips. His bite spilled its juice onto my fingers.

“You left me too soon,” I said finishing the sweet remnant he’d left. “This would be so much easier if you were here.”

Max nodded and then took my hand in his. “You are becoming a woman I never saw. I am so proud of you.”

I raised his hand to my lips and kissed the soft furrow of skin between his knuckles. “I hope you won’t waste your life waiting for these moments.”

“But they’re all I have!”

“Dreams?” Max shook his head. “I would never have asked that of you.”

“They are enough.”

“No,” he sighed. “Dreams are not meant to supplant life.”

“I don’t want you to leave me, not ever.”

Max leaned forward and kissed me in a soft lingering kiss, the pressure of his lips against mine warmed me and my body ached forward in return. “Deszo is a good man.”

“I’m not so sure anymore.”

“He loves you.”

“I don’t love him.” I pushed myself up and brushed the crumbs off my lap. “You are all I want.”

“Before me, you loved Deszo,” Max said, running his hand down my spine. “I was an interruption. A detour.”

“No!” I pulled away and buried my face in my hands. “You are the only one I wanted.”

“It’s time to move on,” Max whispered.

“No! I won’t!”

“I will always be with you, Natalie.” He moved to my side and took me in his arms, leaning me back against his body. He nuzzled his face against my neck and kissed me again. “Will you spend the rest of your life like Anna, pining for a love that has left?”

“I have Mila now,” I said. I looked out across the meadow and watched five sparrows dive and swoop heavenward again.

“For how long?” Max replied stroking my hair. “And is giving your love to her, while she waits for her mother to return, enough?”

“Will it turn out badly, Max?” I asked, putting his hand in my lap.

His fingers stretched against my thigh and warmed my skin. His eyes drank in my face and he smiled and then looked away.

The woodpecker above our head rattled against the tree.

The Silver Cord - Chapter 35

Chapter 35

The knock came at six a.m. I’d held Mila through the night, unable to sleep, I rested in the contemplation of her breaths. How many times had I kissed her brow during the few hours between climbing into bed and this signal that intruded upon our dreams? Mila stirred and turned away from me.

In dawn’s silence, I slipped from the bed. The hall seemed longer as I walked toward the door. How quickly the time had come for me to release Mila to someone else. Just for a short while. I would join her soon. It was for the best.

I passed the old paintings that lined the hall, my fingers running along the base of their frames conjuring up flashes of memories from my childhood, my marriage, each step lengthening and yet quickening my progress like Alice sliding down the rabbit’s hole, grasping for branches to slow her fall into the inevitable. When I opened the door, the events would be set in motion.

I stopped. My hand lingered on the lock. I heard Miss Szep’s urgent whispers on the other side. “Natalie, it’s me.”

Of course. Who else would it be? We had so many enemies these days. Who knew what they looked like? The best disguise was the friend.

I longed to turn away from the door. To go to the kitchen and make breakfast for Mila to surprise her. We could share coffee and toast. I wanted to take her to the little store where I bought my pens and paper. It was time that she started her own journal. She had the talent, the curiosity, and enough experience to fill the blank pages with word that would wrestle innocence against reality.

The cold steel of the lock released its hold on the door. Automatic actions done more quickly because intuition tells us that hesitation will complicate matters.

Miss Szep hurried past me. “Is Mila ready to go? I think it will be better if we have an early start.”

I took her to the kitchen, offered her a seat at the table and put on water for the coffee. “I’ll go and wake her and get her ready. Can you manage the coffee? We have bread over there.”

Later, I stood listening to their footsteps echo down the stairs, holding onto the sound as if it too was a remnant that I could embrace in Mila’s absence. I stood there long after the sound of the heavy door closing downstairs signaled their departure onto the street. I stood there hoping they’d come back.

Snippets of conversations between my mother and father rang in my ears. The squeal of our young voices, Anna and I, running through the house playing a game of hide and seek with our baby sister Ilona. My father choking on a puff from his pipe the first time he met Max and realized just how much older my husband would be. The laughter later, when Max brought out his own pipe after dinner and joined my father in a discussion among sweet smelling smoke and deals made between fathers and their daughter’s suitors.

I went to my room and climbed into bed. I crawled over to the side of the bed where Mila’d slept and clutched her pillow to my face inhaling the faint smell of her. Finally, I wept.

The Silver Cord - Chapter 34

Chapter 34

I stopped at the threshold of Anna’s room, its emptiness rebuked me with the truth of her accusations.

“We’ve grown so far apart haven’t we?” I whispered.

“But it wasn’t always that way was it, Natalie?” Her voice came someplace near her vanity.

I smiled, “You’ve always been vain, Anna.”

“Do you remember when we were six and Momma entered us in that beauty pageant?” Anna’s apparition was sitting on the bench in front of the vanity. She leaned back, looking at me as she brushed her hair.

I thought about it, trying to recall the memory, and then shook my head.

“Well, I do.”

“Why? What was so special about that day?”

“You were scared to walk up on the stage!” Anna put down her brush, walked over to me and took my hand. “But I wasn’t. So I told you I would be brave for both of us.”

Her hand had the substance of a warm breath, but it was enough on this lonely night.

I sighed, finally remembering the event from our childhood. “Yes. You held my hand and just before we walked on the stage you kissed me on the cheek and told me that I was the most beautiful girl there.”

“You were!”

“It was only years later that I realized you were complimenting yourself as much as me!”

Anna giggled, “But it worked!”

“Momma was so proud when we won the blue ribbon.” I leaned over and kissed the air where I saw the faint shimmer of her cheek. I hoped my kiss would bring her as much courage tonight as hers had then.

I thought of her with the German I’d met at the café the night before. I wondered where they’d gone. I hoped that she was safe. Without her a part of me was lost, drifting out to sea, listing to the side as her mind descended into madness, fearing what would happen if she capsized.

“Anna come back to me. Or I will come to you.”

The darkness was dappled with shadows as my eyes adjusted. The curtains stood open, the windows covered only by white lace sheers so that beams of light struggled, strong and weak, fighting to claim dominance over the dark, failing, but beautiful in their sacrifice. I looked down at my toes, ghostly white and speckled in the magical shallows.

The boom of a cannon and the answer of machine gun fire shook me, but did not move me from the spot. I was captured by the ordinariness of my feet and the laws of physics that defied mandates of madmen, which allowed light to shine in the darkness.

The Silver Cord - Chapter 33

Chapter 33

Deszo was waiting for me in my study. He’d made coffee and was standing at the window looking out onto the street when I came in.

“She should be asleep soon, I hope.” I poured a cup of coffee and went to join him by the window.

“It looks peaceful out there at this hour,” he said as I moved to his side.

“I used to love the hours after midnight, the quiet, the solitude, being inside, safe to watch but not be harmed.”

“Now it’s not safe to be inside,” he said.

What I’d learned about him tonight had changed the history of which I was certain. He had become another man. Still the same, but a door had opened onto a new corridor I wasn’t sure I wanted to travel. Should I trust him?

“I think Anna will be fine tonight.”

I looked up at his profile. “Tonight, but not tomorrow?”

He shrugged.

In the morning everyone looks different. We wake up and remember who we are, not who we imagined we were the night before.

“Do you think she will come home in the morning?”

“If she can,” he said and took a sip from his coffee. “I should go home now. I’ll come tomorrow after I’ve made some inquiries.”

I followed him to the front door. So many unanswered questions were left. The lines of exhaustion that drew dark circles under his eyes stopped me. His mind already far away, working on the problem that faced him and many others I knew nothing about.

He opened the front door and stepped out onto the landing. He took me in his arms and looked into my eyes. “Natalie,” he paused and kissed my forehead, lingering for a moment. “Do you remember how easy it was for us?”

I bowed my head. “Yes.”

His fingers ran from my scalp to the edges of my hair where they stopped and grasped the ends at the nape of my neck. I leaned against his coat and inhaled his scent, my arms went around him and I wanted to stay there, feeling the same security I once felt at my post by the window, safe inside. I listened to the rhythm of his breathing until it matched my own.

“There will be an end to this madness. There are people working to make that happen.” He pulled away from me and descended the stairs without looking back.

I closed the door and walked down the hall. My footsteps echoed in the stillness. I hoped he was right, though I felt that the end would not come before a torrent was unleashed.

After hanging my clothes in the closet and putting my robe on over my nightgown, I went to the bathroom, but there was no hot water for a bath. I turned and looked at my face in the mirror over the sink. I leaned over, turned on the tap, washed the remnants of makeup off my face, and then brushed my teeth.

I walked past my room pausing to check on Mila; her gentle snore was a comfort. I closed my eyes and prayed that this would not be good-bye but only a safe passage to the other side of the nightmare.

The Silver Cord - Chapter 32

Chapter 32

I rapped lightly on the front door. There was no answer. I knocked again, harder this time.

“Who is it?”

“Miss Szep, it’s Natalie.”

The bolts were drawn back, the door unlocked and opened. Miss Szep stood peering into the hall. “Is something wrong? Did you find Anna?” She looked from me to Deszo.

“No,” I said. “We know who Anna left with but we don’t know where she is. Can I get Mila?”

Miss Szep hesitated, “She’s sleeping.”

“I’m glad to hear that, but I’d really like her to come upstairs with me.”

“I will still take her to my friend’s house tomorrow?”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Until things are settled with Anna, it will be safer for Mila if she’s not here.”

“I’ll come upstairs in the morning,” Miss Szep said, clearly reciting plans she’d determined not to change. “Mila and I will go to Miss Godel’s house. I will stay there with Mila until you can come to join her.”

“That’s too much for you!” I said.

“We’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Then she closed the door and I heard her footsteps retreating down the hall. A few minutes later Mila appeared at the door clutching her belongings, yawning under the lingering spell of sleep. “Nana! Did you find Anna?” She looked from me to Deszo and then her smile faded.

I put my arm around her shoulders and nodded to Miss Szep. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

I lead Mila up the stairs, Deszo followed us, taking the key from my hand at the top of the stairs, and unlocking the door and holding it open for us.

“Mila we are very close to finding Anna,” Deszo said as she passed. “We believe she is safe for the night.”

Our eyes met and I smiled in gratitude for his encouraging words.

I guided Mila down the hall to her room. At the entrance, she stopped and turned to me. “Can I sleep with you tonight, Nana?”

I hugged her and turned back toward my bedroom. “Of course.”

“You don’t think I’m being childish.”

“I will be very lonely for the few days that we are separated.” I smiled and walked to the bed and pulled the covers over her as she slid over to the far side of the bed I once shared with Max. “I’m glad you thought of it. It’s like a slumber party.”

Mila snuggled beneath the cover and made a nest of the down-filled pillow. She was so young. I wish she’d grown up in my time, in the loving, peaceful home I’d known. My heart ached with the knowledge of what she’d seen in her young life.

I shut off the light and paused at the door. “Good night, my sweet Mila.”

“Good night, Nana.”

Chapter 31 - The Silver Cord

Chapter 31

Pinpricks of rain too light to see unless you looked into the dim streetlights overhead, stung my face. I huddled against Deszo’s arm and watched the pavement move beneath my feet. As angry as I’d been with him, the bonds were too deep to separate us now.

My mind was too shocked to notice or care the path we took down the empty streets. Where was Anna? I had no sense of dread, no echo of pain that I’d felt when she’d fallen and broken an arm when we were children. Or the bouts of confusion I’d experienced when Anna’s mind had begun to turn inward and self-destruct.

We turned down a street and I looked up. “Deszo, the lights in the café are still on.”

The chairs were piled on the tables and Deszo had to knock at the locked doors. A woman came to the door and Deszo asked for a waitress named Mary. The woman left us and then returned. I recognized the waitress who’d waited on us earlier.

“Mary?”

Deszo nodded. The door was unlocked and we stepped into the café. The other waitress looked at Mary and then taking a payment of bills returned to the kitchen.

“You shouldn’t have come here now,” Mary said, glancing at me and then looking over her shoulder.

“I wouldn’t have unless it was important.”

“I have a twin,” I said. “When was she here?”

Mary didn’t answer but looked at Deszo. He nodded and replied. “It’s true. They are twins.”

She looked at me again and then took Deszo’s hand, leading him away from me. They talked in hushed voices, she looked back at me from time to time to see if I could hear them. She was young, perhaps twenty, probably a student at the university working to support her studies, pretty, and from her body movements and the looks of approval, smitten with Deszo.

At the end of their conversation, Deszo took her hand, kissed the back of it, and then pressed some money into her palm. She turned and headed back to the kitchen, stopping once more to look at me before disappearing behind the swinging doors. Deszo came to my side and led me out the door of the café.

“Did Mary tell you who she was with, did they leave together?”

Deszo was silent and then answered. “She came in with a group of young soldiers. They took her to a table where their senior officer was sitting. After a brief conversation, the young men left and Anna stayed with the officer.”

“With no protest?”

“According to Mary, Anna and the officer drank together until closing and then left together. They seemed very ‘cozy’. He’s a frequent customer. Apparently his young men bring him girls quite regularly, or the women find him themselves.”

“Why?”

Deszo laughed. “Protection. Any number of reasons to trade one favor for another.”

“You seem to know him.”

“I know of him,” Deszo said. “Do you remember the man who asked you to join him?”

I shivered, recalling my reluctant physical attraction to him. His eyes drew you in, the way he looked at you as if he already knew what you were feeling.

“That’s the one Anna was with.”

Chapter 30 - The Silver Cord

Chapter 30

“Come in,” he hissed.

I slipped in the door and he shut it quickly behind me.

“What happened?”

“What are you doing here?”

I turned and saw Katya standing at the far end of the hall silhouetted in light.

“It’s me, Natalie,” I said.

She laughed in a hideous knowing way. “Well it couldn’t be your sister.”

“Go back to your room, Katya,” Deszo commanded.

I looked at Deszo. “Where is Anna?”

“She should be reported too!” Katya cackled.

“Deszo, what happened?”

He took my arm and steered me toward the living room. “Your sister came here before I got home from the café. Why weren’t you at home to stop her?”

I looked at him, bewildered that he would blame me.

“Katya was here. They got into an argument.” He crumpled into a chair and motioned me to take the chair next to him. “Anna told Katya that I was beginning an affair with you. That we’d gone out tonight to meet at the café to arrange everything.”

“And Katya believed her?”

“While Anna was here some soliders came to the door making their random searches. This is nothing new. But this time they asked for me by name.”

“Deszo, I don’t understand.”

He leaned forward giving the words emphasis, “They told her that I was collaborating with the government.”

“And then?”

“And then, Katya, pointed to Anna and told them that Anna had been implicated in a riot at the university the day before. That I had nothing to do with it. That Anna had come here to blackmail me. They took her.”

“Where?”

Deszo looked down at his hands, “To prison, I don’t know.”

“If what Katya said is true, you must know someone!”

Deszo rose, leading me to the front door, and stepped out onto the landing with me. He closed the door behind him and whispered. “Katya doesn’t know anything. She suspects something because I’ve been gone more than usual. She’s accused me of having another affair. Or, in her more hysterical moments, of collaborating with the enemy.”

“Deszo stop lying to me. I don’t care who or what you are doing. I want to find my sister.”

He squeezed my hand, his grip tightened, crushing it in his own. I held back a protest of pain. “After Katya told me what happened I went to the police station. Anna was not there. I contacted some friends and they are going to find out where she was taken.”

He released my hand and stepped back. “The best thing we can hope for is that the men who took her will be charmed by her and let her go in the morning. She must seem relatively harmless to them.”

“Then why did they take her? Why not just release her? Or send her home?”

He sighed, leaned against the wall, and looked down the stairs. “Because the atmosphere in Budapest has changed.”

For the first time in my life, I wanted to slap him. “Where do these men go at night?”

A wry smile twisted Deszo’s lips. “They go to places you shouldn’t be seen in. Go home, go to bed. I will come to you in the morning when I have more information,” he said. “Who is watching Mila while you are out?”

“A neighbor,” I responded.

Deszo shook his head. “I’ll take you home.”

“I can’t go home, I have to find Anna. Anyway, what will Katya say if you leave with me now?”

“She won’t say anything.” He took my arm and steered me toward the stairs. “Let’s go.”