Oprah, I Feel Your Pain

photo credit: Oprah Magazine, Jan. 2009


Dear Oprah,

I'm with you. I understand all too well how easily those pounds slip on. Especially when you reach a 'certain' age. Yes, like you, I've tried the latest exercise routine, yoga, walking, running, Pilate's. I've done all the diets, no white foods, no carbs, no red meat, etc. etc. And like you, after the initial success wears off the pounds come back.

Here's me back then:





When I returned to the States three years ago I weighed thirty pounds less than I do today. As the pounds slowly crept on, I declared a bulwark at each five pound increment swearing I wouldn't go beyond it. But I did. I'm not going to blame going back to school or the stress of caring for my mother or even blame myself. I know why I gained the weight: I ate too much. When I came back from Colorado extremely unhappy, I ate. And I ate with gusto and intent. I was so angry and depressed, I ate myself ten pounds heavier in one month. Even as I ate I knew it would eventually catch up with me but on some level I either didn't care or thought I would deal with it tomorrow. Isn't it amazing how that applies to so many other areas of our life as well?

Here I am now:


I'm a chunky monkey at the moment. Cute but chunky. Quite honestly, I hate the way I look, especially when I turn sideways and my caboose is heading west and my tummy is heading east. I don't feel sexy or pretty, which as a single woman is not a good place to be. When I look at pictures of me when I was slimmer, it makes me sad because I felt sexy then and I'm afraid that even if I lose the weight again, I will not look as good as I did then simply by the passing of years. But I'm doing something about it. I've started working out again and signed up for a 5K run at the end of February. Although I was a competitive swimmer for more than eleven years, running has been a challenge. Which is just what I need. I've given myself an attainable goal, with a set deadline, and a tangible means to measure my progress (I've got a pedometer). This morning I was able to run/walk a mile. My next goal is to increase that to a mile and a half next week and then continue on until I reach three miles. Being a very goal oriented person, this approach is perfect for me, I love milestones.

I'm taking the same approach with my diet. Each day, each meal, I try to make intelligent choices. By now I know what I should and shouldn't eat, so I will choose foods not because they are low in fat or calories, but because they are good for me. I will embrace my weakness for dark chocolate, but will adopt the theory that one good Lindt dark chocolate truffle can be as satisfying as five chocolate covered Oreos dunked in milk (ha!).

I believe that my weight is a metaphor for other aspects of my life, where I will live, what I will do, who I will love, or who will love me. I want to believe that if I can control this part of myself I will be able to control the other parts as well. After all, what could be more central to a feeling of security than the ability to control the body I inhabit? And that's what makes the cycle of weight gain and loss so seductive and destructive. And maybe that is why I need to not make this about control, but make it about health and learn to find fun in the process.

I will not pretend that all is well, I'm still working on issues regarding care for my mother as well as how that will fit in with work and the house hunt. But I will no longer allow myself to take out my anger, depression, or malaise on my body. I will no longer hate the way I look in the mirror. And hopefully, a more positive approach will spread into those other areas and help me to straighten them out as well. I suppose all of this is just part of the journey. I cannot battle the onward march of time nor change what might have been, but perhaps I can go forward gracefully, healthfully, and seek opportunities from this new place.

Oh yes Oprah, I know just how you feel.

-Suzanne.

P.S. Happy New Year!

Work In Progress

I've started a new, or adjunct, or offshoot, I'm not sure what to call it....blog, to post my Work in Progress, which is absurdly also what the new place is called. You can get there by clicking on the highlighted link or in the right hand column you'll find another handy link. I've posted a new chapter in The Glass Mystery. It's actually pretty steamy in a culinary sorta way, although perhaps not as steamy as the kissing scene I started reading in The Very Virile Viking (I kid you not, I almost bought it just for the title!) as I stood in CVS waiting for my brother to pick up the latest fishing magazine.

A View From Table One will continue to be my main blog, and at the moment it's evolved into a weekly format of whatever grain of sand has crawled into my oyster shell. I'll post the articles on Mondays. (of course, now that I've announced this decision, I'll suddenly be inspired to write articles three times a week instead of once and post them who knows where...that's just the perverse way my mind approaches decisions). However, this is what inspired me to put my novel in progress in a home of its own, hence the whole point of this belabored announcement.

BTW, the other day I found a very neat website that offered very pretty Blogger background designs for the Minima layout......and now of course, I've forgotten where it was... I think it was called 'creative...' something-or-other.....if you know of anywhere I can find fun background designs for Blogger please leave a link in the comments section, I'd like to try out something a little more colorful at the new place.

UPDATE: just as I finished writing that last request I went googling one last time....and found the site. So, just above my usual Blog List (see below, right) I've created a new blog list: Make it Pretty, which has a few places I've found with pretty blog designs. Feel free to send me links to others you like and I'll add them. Now I just have to pick out and install the new decor next door.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Here's one of the most beautiful songs of the season, I hope your day is spent with those you love and is filled with joy.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

Must it be Sad to be Literary?

photo credit: http://k41.pbase.com/g6/62/657162/2/68993186.QVSux22w.jpg

Last weekend I spent a few hours reading through Annie Proulx's Fine Just the Way It Is, her latest collection of Wyoming short stories. I wanted to love the book, I do love her writing, she perfectly captures the austerity of the Wyoming landscape as well as the quirks of her complicated characters. I could not finish the book, however, because I couldn't get beyond the tragic endings. Which brings me to today's musing: is there a reason why good writing must be sad?

Literary fiction is a subjective term, but generally used to described novels containing beautiful writing and deep, thought provoking characters and themes. While I enjoy cozy mysteries and chic lit romance (and what has evolved from that, what I like to call 'mommy lit') from time to time, literary fiction stays with me longer. I remember the enjoyment gained reading Great Expectations or To Kill a Mockingbird, even Crime and Punishment was a guilty pleasure. But modern literary fiction has increasingly veered toward tales of destruction of the human spirit.

I wonder at that. What is the author's motivation in the graphic description of child abuse in The Gathering? What are we to make of the gradual, but complete annihilation of a family in The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. (yes, I understand it was based on Hamlet, but did he have to kill the dog?) One could argue that the uncomfortable truth is not limited to modern literature by citing Lolita or The Grapes of Wrath, but today's literature seems more brutal, more dishearteningly graphic.

To see incredible talent, such indescribably beautiful language, become a tool to describe horror and pain is a waste. So I wonder at the 'why' of it. Why choose this story to tell? Is it a need to turn over a rock and expose the horror to the light of day, to champion the cause of society's victims? Or more cynically, is this the only way to get one's novel noticed in a crowded literary field?

I don't know the answer, do you?

I pray

photo credit: http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/146/1/5/Silent_prayer__by_gilad.jpg

I pray.

Before I fall asleep at night and when I first wake in the morning, I pray. Nothing formal, no getting on the knees, no recitation of prescribed words, just a fitful one-sided conversation with God, often with more questions asked than answers given. I wish I could say that these conversations do the job, or that I was one of those people who seem to have effortless faith, trust that is complete, a line of communication that always provides answers...instead what I've found is that His silence provokes me to pursuit. Being dogged I leave no stone unturned, determined as I am to elicit a response. Here's a list of some of my stops along the way...

1. The Internet is a great source of spiritual sustenance. There are countless forums where one can discuss questions of faith, blogs describing one's spiritual journey, places to proclaim, proselytize, or even pray. As I was googling for an image for this post, Sacred Space came up as the first entry under 'prayer'. Curious, I clicked on it. Turns out it's a website run by Jesuit priests in Dublin, Ireland and offers a prayer for each day in numerous languages. The fact that it originates in Ireland makes it that more special for some reason.

2.I have a daily Bible verse on this blog and then another on my home page, there's Bible verse that changes seasonally on my email signature, and now I have a daily verse sent to my iphone via SMS by the kind people at Daily Bible Verse. Overkill? Probably, or not. Like helpful magazines strewn around the house to remind one of that diet we want to start in the New Year, it reflects my intention to be more pious, but also an honest love of the Bible. To my mind, it is the wisest and most beautiful book in creation. No, I've never read it cover to cover. I've failed the Bible in a Year plan, and the less ambitious New Testament in a Year plan as well. Still, I find comfort as these random daily verses pop into my life as I open my browser, my blog, or my phone.

3.There are devotional books for every purpose and persuasion. I actually own quite a few. The problem is finding the time to sit still and read them. I've found that having them delivered to my email account eliminates that excuse and helps me to start the day on a positive note. Here are two of my favorites, simply because they always have an uplifting message: Joel Osteen, Daily Word. Speaking of devotionals, Dave Earley has written two that I have found to be terrific. Currently I'm reading The 21 Most Encouraging Promises of the Bible.

4. I would be remiss, of course, if I did not mention the role of the Church, the need for community to share communion both literally and figuratively with like minded souls. Having been raised Protestant, converted to Catholicism, my view of Christianity has broadened over the years as I come to the conclusion that no one church has a monopoly on the love of Christ or the celebration of His life, death, and resurrection. Instead, I've found different churches fulfill my needs at different moments. There is nothing to compare with lighting a candle and kneeling in silent prayer before the Blessed Virgin Mary, or more uplifting than a Bible-thumping sermon by a minister like Bishop T.D. Jakes. Over the years, I've also been an intermittent member of a women's Bible study, my favorite, a year-long study of the book of Genesis.

5. Shall I mention Serendipity? I sometimes wonder if God orchestrates divine coincidences as means to communicate with us, a gentle nudge when we are moving in the right direction, his way of saying, 'I may not be there but never doubt that I can lend a helping hand.' I don't know if it's actually God's intervention or my wishful thinking, my desire to feel His participation in our lives. As to all those unanswered prayers, all those morning when I woke to the realization that nothing had changed, I don't have an answer. Upon reflection, with rear-view perfection, I acknowledge that some prayers were best left undone.

At the end of the day, I pray again. I still admire those lucky ones who feel the presence of God, who hear a special message from Him in response to every prayer. I'm not there yet, so I pray.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29:13

They Sustain Me: What's on Your Nightstand?

Photo credit: http://www.freefoto.com/images/90/09/90_09_7---Winter-Scene--Northumberland_web.jpg

As I find my way forward during this fallow period, books sustain me. Novels comfort me with flights of fancy that take me elsewhere when I need a respite from the here and now. I find refuge in beautiful writing while I slowly make progress with my own work in progress. I seek out debut authors to see what a good first novel looks like. Amy McKinnon's Tethered thrilled me with her character developement and delightful surprise (for me, Larramie!) ending. I'm in the middle of Dear American Airlines by Jonathan Miles and am alternately laughing out loud and awed by his deft change of mood. Memoirs such as Spilling the Beans or the ruminative A Gift From the Sea keep me moving forward through the lives and thoughts of those who triumphed over daunting odds and setbacks, they remind me that life is like that sometimes. I often have a book on CD in the car for the short commute to the office, and just finished listening to Oprah's favorite: Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, it's in the genre of 'How to make your life better' or 'Do it this way' books, which are always useful to have around.

I allow my mind to gather information from as many sources as possible, to sustain, inspire, escape and eventually guide me forward. Below is a partial list of my current reading line-up, most of which are stacked on little tables around my room waiting their turn on my nightstand:

• Sarah's Key Tatiana de Rosnay


• Ten Days to Self-Esteem David D. Burns


• The Cake Mix Doctor Anne Byrn


• Ragtime: A Novel E.L. Doctorow


• Birthing the Elephant: A Woman's Go-for-it! Guide to Overcoming the Big Challenges of Launching a Business Karin Abarbanel


• Make a Scene: Crafting a Powerful Story One Scene at a Time Jordan Rosenfeld


• Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else Geoff Colvin


• How to Write Killer Fiction: The Funhouse of Mystery & the Roller Coaster of Suspense Carolyn Wheat


• Save The Cat! The Last Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need


• The Elegance of the Hedgehog Muriel Barbery


• The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World Eric Weiner


• Putting Your Passion Into Print: Get Your Book Published Successfully! Arielle Eckstut


• 21 MOST ENCOURAGING PROMISES OF BIBLE DAVE EARLEY


• Lottery Patricia Wood


• Plotting and Writing Suspense Fiction Patricia Highsmith


• Rebel Bookseller: How to Improvise Your Own Indie Store and Beat Back the Chains Andrew Laties


• Paris to the Moon Adam Gopnik


• The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana Umberto Eco


• The Brothers Karamazov (Illustrated Modern Library) Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I could tell you a story behind my selection of each title, but that would be incredibly boring. Let's just say that taken in combination with action, these books will sustain me through the journey ahead.

So, what sustain's you? What's on your nightstand?

Things fall apart.....

Last night I went to my computer to check my email before bed. Push the power button....no power. This morning after an extensive consultation with Dell, it turns out I need a new motherboard (wt%?). The kindly Dell replacements rep informed me that they would send me a box to send my computer to them, have it 'refurbished' and sent back to me all for the very reasonable sum of $400 - 500.oo. When I pointed out that I might be able to buy a new computer for about that price and my dear old laptop was already four years old, the kindly Dell rep assured me that it was too soon to give up on the Inspiron 9300, it was an old workhorse that had many good years ahead of it.

Ummmm, yeah.

My first reaction to this news was to look to the heavens with the familiar lament 'why me?', spending money on a new computer wasn't in this month's budget. Then, I considered the upside....my Dell computer has served me well, got me through my MBA and lots of travel, but at 17" is about as convenient as carrying a TV tray. I've been lusting after one of those cute little notebooks, you know 10 - 13", 2lbs., and can fit into my Cole Haan hobo bag without a second thought? Yeah, one of those. So, I started looking online at Amazon (I really should buy their stock) and WalMart (I've just bought their stock) and realized my old computer may have done me a favor.

Perhaps taking a fresh perspective is a valuable method for turning adversity into opportunity.

It certainly feels better.